I am now nearing the end of Day 4 of being a non-smoker. It is strange, but most of the time I already consider myself a non-smoker. It was relatively easy until today. I don't know what it was about today that made me desire a cigarette so strongly, but for a brief period I nearly gave in to the temptation to smoke. However, that would have required showering, dressing, doing my hair and driving to town to buy cigarettes and I just didn't feel like doing all that. Guess the temptation wasn't as strong as I thought it was. Nonetheless, I was very grumpy for several hours and found myself having to apologize for the things that came out of my mouth. Eventually I gave up trying to fight it alone and called Lindsay. We had a nice chat that quickly got my mind off the temptation to smoke and I've been fine ever since.
On another note, Marcus came home from work the other night and dropped a bombshell on me. Our move to the Pentagon was not suppose to occur until November or December, but he had just found out that his report date is now October 15th. YIKES! That is great in the sense that we will be settled by the time the holidays arrive; however, that gives me very little time to get the house ready and sold and even less time to purchase a new home. He was afraid to tell me because he thought I would freak out since I just quit smoking. His co-workers suggested that he wait and tell me while he is away on business in a couple weeks. Geesh, I am NOT that bad! I wasn't thrilled, but I didn't freak out. I did work my tail off this weekend painting everything in the master bedroom and finishing up the paint in the dining room. I still have to paint the master bath, the laundry room, two walk-in closets, shannon's bath and her bedroom, and the living room all before the contractors come on July 5th to completely refloor the entire house. I may not want to leave once all this work is finished!
On the BEST note, this morning I purchased three airline tickets for Jason, Lindsay and Finn to come visit us from July 22nd to July 30th!!!! I am very excited and trying to plan some fun things for us to do while they are here. With the big move this will probably be the only time I will be able to visit with them until next winter.
If I disappear next week, rest assured it is not because I have given in to the temptation to relapse into smoking. It is only because I am knee deep in paint. Have a great week!
It has been nearly 24 hours since I've smoked a cigarette!! The day was not nearly as tough as I thought it would be. I did get a little testy around dinner time when everyone was hovering and bugging me about what was for dinner, but it passed quickly. I hope tomorrow goes as well as today did though I fully expect that by tomorrow full-blown physical withdrawal should probably set it. I'm not looking forward to that, but I will take it as it comes.
A special highlight of today was a bouquet of beautiful flowers that were delivered to me this afternoon. They were from Jason, Lindsay and Finnegan. The card read "Mom, many blessings in your endeavor. Remember, it can be done!! Call and yell anytime you want." I thought it was so sweet that they remembered that today was my quit date and they wanted to encourage me. I am very thankful for their support.
Twelve hours since I've had a cigarette!! I'm am doing surprisingly well considering. Though no one is here at the house right now to get on my nerves--LOL--that may change when everyone gets home. Seriously though, I don't seem to be having any physical cravings because I have the patch on. I am, however, battling with the psychological cravings. I frequently find myself standing in the garage in my "smoking spot" not smoking. Earlier I stood out there with a Dum Dum lollipop--LOL. I am busy painting but since I was (wow I can't believe I said that in the past tense) a reward smoker, every time I finish one task I immediately think of smoking. So, instead of rewarding myself with a cigarette I am rewarding myself with a game of freecell on the computer.
That is it for now. I will update later in the day when I am closer to the 24 hour point (unless of course I am busy digging a grave in the back yard for someone I accidently off in a nicotine withdrawal rage! ;) )
I'm starting to panic a bit because I have to quit smoking in two days--actually, as of midnight Wednesday. The thought of it didn't bother me until this morning. Now I am second guessing myself on whether or not I really can do this. I am fully prepared in all the ways I should be. I've been taking my Wellbutrin faithfully, I have my 21 mg nicotine patches, I have tons of hard candy including lollipops for in my car and I bought a bunch of bottled water to drink. Tomorrow I will clean out all traces of smoking from my car and my garage; throw out ashtrays, and give my car a really good cleaning so it doesn't smell like smoke to tempt me.
luckily I will be very busy paining my den, dining room, living room, and master bedroom during those first few days. That will keep my hands busy and my mind occupied. Though I do feel bad for the handy man we hired to paint all our vaulted ceilings--he is going to have to put up with my crankiness. Fortunately we know him well and I warned him. I told him if I get cranky to just tell me to go sit somewhere and be quiet. He is an ex-smoker, so he is fully aware of what I will be going through. I am sure that Marcus is very happy that the handyman will have to deal with me rather than himself--LOL.
I have to keep reminding myself that NOW is the time to quit. I need to do this for me and I CAN do this!
I stole this from Tricia's blog (thanks Tricia, I even stole your title--LOL)
Twelve Movies * Message In a Bottle * Legends of the Fall * Schindler's List * The Pianist * I am David * Lord of the Rings Trilogy * Pretty Woman * Saving Private Ryan * Dead Man Walking * Dances With Wolves * The Last of the Mohicans * The Patriot
Eleven Good Bands/Artists * Josh Groban * Norah Jones * The Eagles * Alicia Keyes * Santana * Neil Young * Depeche Mode * Rob Thomas * Jewel * Beatles * UB40
Ten Things About You· * I am an avid reader; I read anything I can get my hands on. * I love being by myself * I am a recovering Catholic * I am addicted to reality television * Up until about 4 years ago I was afraid to take showers; could only take baths * I am nearly blind without my glasses * I've always wanted to be a writer * I cannot sleep with my back to an open door * I cuss at people when I drive * I smile more than I ever have since I became a grandmother
Nine Good Friends (not in any order, if you are not here I still love you, but it says only NINE!) * Marcus * Lorrie C. * Becky H. * Lisa * Kristie * Vivian * Arlyn * Nikki * Mely
Eight Favorite Foods/Drinks * French Vanilla Coffee * chocolate and caramel creme savers * crab and lobster * a good medium rare steak * Coke * Creme Brulee * cucumbers * watermelon
Seven Things You Wear Daily * my engagement ring and wedding band * my "I love you" necklace from Marcus * my glasses * moisturizer * deoderant * panties and bra (LOL) * a watch
Six Things You Hate * pretentious people * rude people * living so far away from my family members * having nothing to read * dry skin * gray hair
Five Things You Do Daily * check email, blogs, message boards * talk to Lindsay and Finn * read * tell my family I love them * chat on-line with friends
Four Shows You Watch * ER * Blind Justice * Lost * Dr. Phil
Three Places You’ve Lived * Maine * Guam * Colorado
Two Things You Want * to live closer to my grandson * to go back to Maine to visit my grandmother, my father and my mother
One Person You Want To See Right Now * My grandmother, Memere. She lives in Maine and is 84 years old. She hasn't been doing well lately. I miss her and worry that I will not get to see her again before it is too late.
I want to share what is probably the best novel that I have ever read. I haven't competed it yet but I am currently on page 147 of its 388 pages. It is called The Known World by Edward P. Jones and I highly recommend it. A 2004 Pulitzer Prize winner, The Known World tells about a subject not often written about; free Blacks who are themselves slave owners prior to the "war between the states." The novel follows the life of one such man, Henry Townsend. Jones' writing style can be difficult at times because he switches back and forth between past, present, and future quite frequently--often within the same sentence requiring me to re-read sentences sometimes. That being said, his writing is very reminiscent of Steinbeck (especially in East of Eden) in the sense that he has the ability to create rich characters and settings that are so real that you feel like you are there and that you really know these people. The line up of characters in this novel is vast and if you should choose to read it be sure that you purchase a copy that includes a dramatis personae because you will need it--OFTEN.
Now a bit about the beyond. I've discovered the Unknown World!! I am painting the trim in my living room today so I moved the sectional couch and, lo and behold, I discoverd a whole new world living beneath my couch!!!!! Who knew? I feel like Christopher Columbus or Vasco Da Gama!!! While it may take me the next ten years to unearth and catalogue everything I have found, here are just a few of my discoveries: 3 pencils, 4 pens, 4 used bandaids (what the heck?), a skittle (it was still quite flavorful! Just kidding, it was yellow and I hate yellow skittles), a pack of petrified gum, something resembling a mummified worm that made me scream but turned out to just be a leather shoe lace, what appears to be the largest booger I have ever seen (still have no clue what it is, DNA testing and an autopsy might be required), a dead cockroach (good to know the monthly extermination I pay for is working), 12 straight pins (apparently that cockroach was a seamstress), enough used Kleenex to make Mr. Whipple cry, and a grand total of twenty-six cents (boy that really made the excavation worth the trouble). Since there are no small children living in this house, I have no clue who is using the dark unknown beneath my couch as a trash receptacle but I assure you that I intend to thoroughly investigate and severely punish the wrong-doer!
Today was class #2 of my smoking cessation classes. I go to check in and collect my prescriptions and once again all they have for me is a prescription for Zyban, no nicotine patches. That just won't do, so I gave her the prescription back and dropped from the class. I walked across the street to my PCM's office and asked if they could get me in today. As luck would have it they had an opening later that afternoon. So I raced home to shave my legs and armpits--LOL--you just never know what a doctor might want to exam!!! When I saw the doctor I asked him if he felt there was any medical reason why I cannot use the nicotine patch to quit smoking. He thoroughly looked over my chart and said that he sees no reason why I cannot use the patch. Unfortunately, the only doctor on the base allowed to prescribe the patch is the one that is denying me the patch. So while my doctor is not able to prescribe it for me, there is nothing stopping me from purchasing the patches myself and that is what I am going to do. My doctor was able to prescribe Wellbutrin for me, which is the same as Zyban. I had been prescribed wellbutrin back in Feb. as treatment for fibromyalgia so he just renewed that prescription. So, as of the morning of June 23 I will no longer be smoking!
I am very nervous about this. Mostly because I don't feel as though I have the support that I am going to need in order to be successful. Lindsay, of course, supports me in my effort; she knows full well how hard giving up an addiction is. I think Shannon will support me at least until I get bitchy with cravings. I really want Marcus' support because he is after all the person who is with me every day, but I don't feel he is willing to give that to me. Which is very surprising to me because normally he is very supportive of everything I do and he often verbalizes his displeasure with my smoking. But for some reason he says that I should not quit right now; he thinks this it too stressful of a time for me to try to quit. I feel I am ready NOW. Today he actually said to me "which is more expensive, the patch or smoking?" WHAT?!!!!! I couldn't believe my ears. Yes, the patch is very expensive but in the long run it will pay for itself. Not to mention how wrong it is to put a price tag on the prevention of lung cancer and heart disease! Then, to make matters worse he asks my why I think I can be successful this time when I never have been before! What the hell? He says maybe I am not ready to do this. I am prepared to pay for the freaking outrageously expensive patches, so I must be ready!!! I just feel like I've been kicked in the gut by the one person who should be standing beside me in all this. I feel like his lack of support is just setting me up for failure.
The title accurately describes my weekend. I worked so hard all week cleaning and painting that I decided to take the weekend off and just let my body recuperate. Saturday morning I slept until 11:00 to make up for the fact that I didn't fall asleep until 5:30 that morning (24 hours with NO sleep--ugh). Then I just spent the day watching movies with Marcus and working on quillings for the LM July Auction. Sunday was more of the same. I got up early (I slept 6 hours Sunday night--wooohooooo) and did the grocery shopping and then watched movies all afternoon again. Like I said "lazy, lazy, lazy."
Now it is Monday morning and Marcus has returned back to work--thank God. It really was nice to have him home and helping me but I also really enjoy my alone time during the week, so I was beginning to get a bit cranky. I have to get back to my painting today. I haven't been inspired to update my blog because, frankly, I have nothing to talk about unless of course you are interested in all the nooks and crannies on my body that I seem to have paint stuck in? I didn't think so! LOL perhaps something will come to me while I am painting. Though I do plan to share a couple of the things I am reading.
Before I go I want to share something I recently heard that I really liked. On Friday, I was watching the new Steven Spielberg mini-series Into The West. Josh Brolin plays a role in which he is sort of a mentor to one of the young men. He told this young man "The Lord fashioned us a little above the beast and a little below the angels, but he gave us a choice." For some reason this quote touched me, it basically says nothing more than that there is good and evil in each of us, but we have the choice to decide which one we want to be. This certainly isn't a new concept, I just liked the way it was phrased and thought I would share it with you all. If you have not checked out Into the West, you should do so. It was wonderful and I am excited for the next installment. It is on TNT every Friday night for the next six weeks. If you miss it on Friday they also repeat it on Saturday and Sunday.
So, I know its been a few days since I updated, but I've been busy painting the house--there is too much damn crown molding in this house! Marcus is on vacation from work in order to help me in the house. Marcus, for as smart as his rocket scientist brain is, is generally not real helpful when it comes to handiwork around the house. I can't begin to tell you of the things that he has tried to fix and we ended up having to replace them or call someone in to repair them. But, hey, at least he tries. And, he has done well this week. He spent all of one day caulking the wood on the outside of the house (oh, if only I could repeat all the "caulking" jokes I heard on that day!). Yesterday he spent the entire day power washing the brick on the house and the walkways. Today he is replacing a step that broke and learning all about brick and mortar. What a guy! Now if I could only get him to throw out his sense of common decency and work around the house shirtless ;) .
As the title of this entry implies, I am still suffering from insomnia. One would think that with all the work I am doing I would be exhausted and sleep like a rock. I am, however, still lying awake tossing and turning every night. I've even been getting up at 5:00 a.m. because Shannon started a new job yesterday and her shift starts at 6:00. I've been getting up to make her coffee and to see her off. So basically I manage to sleep, albeit restlessly, from about 2:00 to 5:00 every night. I figure I will crash eventually.
On the smoking cessation front, I still haven't heard back from the clinic about whether or not the doctor will prescribe me the nicotine patches. I've started taking the Zyban; one every morning until tomorrow when I start taking two a day. I had forgotten how good Zyban makes me feel. Despite my lack of sleep lately I still feel like I could conquer the world every day and the little things that normally stress me out don't seem to bother me much anymore. I am going to have to finagle a way to keep this drug as part of my daily medication routine even once I've successfully quit smoking--LOL. I've started changing the times that I would normally smoke and waiting longer between cigarettes as a way to try to break some of the habits that I relate to smoking. Perhaps this will help me when my actual quit date arrives.
I have to get back to my painting. I certainly hope that potential buyers appreciate all the work I am putting into this house!
So today was the day my smoking cessation classes started. When all the participants arrived we are given our prescription paperwork to take to the pharmacy and get our Zyban and nicotine patches. Sounds good to me! Well, for some reason unknown to me or anyone else, the doctor who reviews our history and writes the prescriptions has decided apparently that I am not a candidate for the nicotine patch!!! *insert freaking out smiley here*. He only gave me a prescription for Zyban, so I will have to basically go cold turkey if I intend to stop smoking. I cannot express how much I am freaking out right now--I have swayed back and forth between tears, nausea, and near-hysterics. I've tried cold turkey before and it is NOT fun and there is no way I will put myself or my family through that. Perhaps under normal circumstances I could manage it (normal meaning I am stranded alone in an igloo at the North Pole), but not right now while I am under the stress of selling a house, buying a new house, and moving.
My actual quit date isn't for another two weeks because I have to take the Zyban for 14 days before quitting. So I will continue to attend the classes and hope that the clinic I am taking the classes at can find out why the doctor will not give me the patches. Hopefully they can change is mind or the whole thing was an oversight on his part! I am praying the clinic calls me very soon and lets me know what they find out so I can stop freaking out. I also plan to price the patches downtown and see what they will cost me. Right now all our money is going to fixing up our house, but maybe the patches are an expense worth putting on a credit card. If I cannot get the patches I fully intend to scrap (as in QUIT) the classes and try again at a later date.
There, now that I have gotten all that out I feel much better. Now I have to go paint the house.
Tomorrow is the day I begin my month of smoking cessation classes. I'm sort of nervous. Not because I haven't been to the classes before; this will be my third attempt at smoking cessation classes. Nor is it because I haven't tried to stop smoking before because I've tried to quit more times than I can count. I've even been successful for as long as 6 months. But something always happens that lures me back into that cycle.
I am not even sure why I started smoking in the first place. I never had a cigarette until I was twenty-four years old. One day, when out with friends, I picked one up and smoked; I've been smoking ever since. At first I used to try to delude myself by saying things like "well I've only smoked for 6 years, I will quit soon." Ya, well I said that for years and years only to realize now that I have been smoking for nearly 20 years! And, if I am going to be truly honest, I love smoking--I really do enjoy it. I do hate the smoke smell, but much of that smell is alleviated because I smoke only outside or in the garage (I've been banned from the house). Giving up something I enjoy is going to be hard. Smoking isn't like alcohol or illegal drugs in the sense that the user doesn't hit rock bottom and realize they HAVE to give it up for there own good. I know that I have to give up the habit for the good of my health, but my smoking doesn't put me in risk of arrest and imprisonment; I need my rock bottom!!
But, because I want to be around to see my grandson graduate from college and marry some day, I HAVE to quit. Because I am tired of hiding around corners of the house so my grandson won't look out the window and see his Gammy with a nasty cigarette hanging out of her mouth, I need to quit smoking. because I want to set a good explain for my grandson, I need to quit.
It will be hard! I tend to smoke most during specific tasks--like talking on the phone or when I am drinking coffee, or right after a meal. I spend a lot of my day outside or in the garage because that is where I smoke. I tend to be a "reward smoker." After completing a task from my "to do" list, I reward myself with a cigarette. Sweep the floor--have a smoke; load of laundry--have a smoke; pay a bill--have a smoke; you get the idea! need to replace that reward with a different reward. I haven't decided what yet; the new reward cannot include food of any kind. Weight gain has always been my downfall when it comes to quitting. I eat constantly, gain weight, and start smoking again.
Wow, Part 1 was long! Guess what I get to do now? HAVE A SMOKE! I seriously need a different reinforcer!
How tough can that be? Really, just your basic white paint. I am getting ready to paint the entire house--well, all the rooms that are not wallpapered and my scraproom (if a potential buyer cannot appreciate the beauty of mountain sage paint then they don't deserve to live in my house anyway--lol). We have very high ceilings in our house and I don't relish the idea of climbing ladders to paint the ceiling, so I hired someone to come in and paint all the ceilings. We talked about it and he said if I pick a flat white paint I can then paint the ceilings and the walls the same color and in order to help me out with the high walls he will just paint the portion of the wall adjacent to the ceilings and I can go behind him and paint the rest. Sounds like a good plan to me!
So, despite the 90 degree heat and the 100% humidity, Marcus and I trod off to Home Depot to buy paint (haven't they ever heard of air conditioning). Seemed like a simple task. I walk up to the paint counter and tell them I need 10 gallons of white flat enamel paint. Sounds easy doesn't it? Oh no, nothing could EVER be that easy! Do you have any idea how many shades of white paint there are? It is mind boggling! Do I want pure pure white, decorator white, white, elegant white, white mink, clear moon, snowy egret, glamorous white, polar bear, whipped cream--who names this stuff?!!!! And why does there need to be so many damn shades? It's freaking white paint. So Marcus closes his eyes and points--"there let's go with that one, it just says 'white'." If you have ever seen my husband match his clothes then you know that is a sign that you should immediately collect every paint swatch possible and drive all the way back home and compare them to the color already on your walls. So, that is what we did. Guess what color we decided matched what we already have? Yup, WHITE!
You should have been a fly on the wall when we were picking out carpet and ceramic tiles!
So, last night, for the first time all week I managed to fall asleep BEFORE 3:00 a.m.!! I actually fell asleep before 1 a.m.--can you believe it?! And to make things even better, I didn't wake up until 9 this morning. Well, that isn't entirely true; my dog did wake me up at 7:30 because, quite frankly, her bladder took precedence over my need to sleep. But, hey, I am not complaining! Apparently, those two Tylenol PM I took at midnight did the trick. I really dislike having to take a sleeping aide and generally avoid them, but after a week of insomnia I really needed a good night's sleep. This morning I feel refreshed and ready to accomplish all those tasks I ignored all week long.
For some reason over the past two days my blog activity has dramatically increased. Now, I am not complaining about that, but come on people, it gets lonely here all by myself. Say hello once in a while; tell me you like what you read. Heck you can even tell me you hate it! Tell me my thoughts are right on or tell me my mind is totally warped; makes no difference to me. And if you are here looking for controversial stuff pertaining to other places on the net; you are wasting your time cause you won't find it here. BTW, if you THINK I am talking about you in any of my entries; chances are I am NOT.
It's been a while since I made an entry (why does that sound oddly familiar?). I wish I could say that amazingly exciting things have been going on to keep me too busy to write--perhaps I was sunning on a Hawaiian beach or away visiting my grandson. But, no, nothing as exciting as that. In fact, to be quite honest, absolutely freaking NOTHING has been going on. Okay, well other than the fact that for some reason I have become incredibly lazy this week. I did make rice krispy treats tonight; that was pretty much the highlight of my week (and in case you were wondering, yes, I do intend to eat them ALL before bed). Seriously, for some reason I cannot explain, I have been slammed with a horrible case of insomnia. Problem is that the insomnia only seems to occur at night when normal people sleep and never during the day when normal people function. First I blamed it all on my poor husband's snoring, but even after he volunteered to spend several nights on the couch so I could sleep (bless his heart), I still didn't sleep! After finally falling into a semi-coma at 3 a.m., I kept waking up every 1/2 hour or so, seeing his empty half of the bed and wondering where he was. Normally if I cannot sleep I will read, or hey, I could have taken the opportunity to update my blog, but I couldn't seem to sit still long enough to do either. Along with the sleeplessness is this feeling that my skin is crawling like a freak on an acid trip; not that I know what an acid trip feels like but, hey, I can imagine. It is driving me insane and often times driving me into a hot shower at 3 a.m..
So, for the past week, I have spent my nights just flopping around the bed waiting, waiting, waiting to fall asleep. I spend my days in a fog; so tired that I can barely hold up my head, much less lift my arms. I've been taking a 2-3 hour nap every day to make up for what I am missing at night though it is true what they say about not being able to catch up on lost sleep! All this non-sleeping is preventing me from getting anything done like all the work I need to complete on the house before it is ready for the market in August.
It's only going to get worse too. Next week, Tuesday to be exact, I will be attending the first session of my smoking cessation classes. The combination of zyban and nicotine patches is sure to have me doing handstands and swinging from the ceiling fans during that time of day when normal people sleep! This will be the third time I've attended these classes and probably the tenth time I attempt to quit. I'll share more on all this later because right now I have a pan of rice krispy treats calling my name and we all know that the sugar content I am about to consume will surely lull me into the best sleep I've had all week. Ya, okay!
