Crossroads

It has been a long time since I've updated; I've been avoiding my blog yet wanting to blog yet not knowing what to blog about. I feel like I am at a crossroad in my life right now. Some days I want to take the journey down one path and other days I just want to go in the opposite direction. My heart tells me to go one way and my head tells me to go the other, but my feet are standing still as if stuck in quicksand.

Marcus leaves for DC in two weeks and I am suppose to following behind once this house sells. I don't want to go. Not that I like it here in LA either; I am just so tired of uprooting my life. Part of me feels as though I have no right to complain as I knew full well what military life was like when I married Marcus. I also knew that Marcus was very career driven; nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, comes between him and his career. I accepted that then, but does that mean I need to accept it now? Just once I would like the decisions we make to be based upon what we both want rather than on what he thinks is best for his career. Just once I would like to come before the career. I hated even just typing that last sentence--it sounds selfish to me, even though I know it isn't. Right now I find it difficult to even speak to Marcus; much less be in the same room with him. I am angry that, once again, I am left behind to take care of everything while he traipses off to a new place. This would probably be easier if he didn't have a choice concerning this move, but he did have a choice and he made that choice without even consulting me. I know in my heart that if he had consulted me I would not have said 'no.' I would have agreed that the move was best for him and done exactly as I am now (staying behind to sell), but at least I would feel like I had a part in my own destiny. And I guess that is what brings it full circle to the way I am feeling right now--Destiny. I feel like I have no control over my own life right now, but the fact is that I DO have control. I can walk away from it all or I can make the move to DC. I don't want to walk away because clearly it would mean the end of my marriage, but I feel like the only amount of control over my life that I can possibly exert at the moment IS walking away--does that make any sense?

I feel bad. Marcus is sad. He senses something isn't right. He is a GOOD man; they do not come much better than him. This isn't really about him; it is about ME. I don't really know why I feel the way I am feeling right now--I do not feel this way everyday. Perhaps I am simply overwhelmed with the task of selling, buying and moving. Perhaps I am just scared to move to a new place and start again. Perhaps I am sad at the fact that Shannon is staying here in LA and I will be moving on without her--good old fashioned empty nest syndrome. Perhaps I am just sad because I miss Lindsay and Finn and would normally be preparing for my October visit right now but cannot because I need to stay here and sell this damned house. Perhaps it is menopause (how many things can I blame on menopause?) or a mid-life crisis. Perhaps I am just fucking crazy!