Life's Mean Trick?

Ummm, so I have something pretty important and personal to discuss. I think someone may have slipped some of that tainted water from LM into my coffee--you know --THAT water!!!!! Yes, THAT water!! I'm giving it one more week and then I am off to the doctor for a blood test. By then I will be a month late. Now, to be fair, this has happened to me before (skipping a month) and I wasn't pregnant and I have suspected for some time that I am peri-menopausal, but I am still kind of freaked out by this.

Marcus and I tried for many years to have a child and were unsuccessful. We both finally underwent testing and learned that it is not likely that we ever would be able to have children together; though the doctor did say that it could still happen, just wasn't likely. Because of that we have never bothered with using birth control, figured we didn't need to. I have always joked that life's mean trick on me would be that I would become pregnant once my girls grew up and left home. Ummm well, Shannon (my youngest) is leaving home this December!!!

I am trying to not get too concerned about all this but it is hard not to think that I could be pregnant right now. I have such mixed feelings about it--I am a GRANDMOTHER for crying out loud--I am too old to be having babies. And I know this sounds so selfish, but I was sort of looking forward to this new phase of our life --just Marcus and I, we have never been just us. I also don't think I have what it takes physically to keep up with a 'toddler. Don't get me wrong though, IF I was to have a child now, we would both welcome the baby with open arms and do our best as parents. I guess I am just saying that I am very content with my life the way it is; I do not want it to change. Is it wrong to pray that I am not pregnant? Am I crazy to pray for menopause?